Monday, December 8, 2014

The Kind of Woman

Photo Credit : Frank Yeh

She was the kind of woman
who only gave herself away
in small doses. Leaving men
wondering like little children
at all that she was.
She tortured them with the 
sound of her fading footsteps,
each one an exclamation mark
to a sentence the world tragically
instilled in her long ago;
"Find something beautiful,
then let it go."

- Christopher Poindexter 

Saw this charming poem by Christopher Poindexter, a guy and his type-writer I've been following on Instagram. I picture this woman as someone mystically beautiful, and powerful in the sense that she can control who comes and goes in her life. She controls and gives her emotion out like prescriptive drugs. One can only ask for more, but usually left with a life picturing what could've been. 

Every woman hopes to be her at some point. What's alluring is the capacity to solely fight the force pulling you to full commitment, the anti-gravity that pulls up the corner of your lips, and the sprouting attraction, all because you love him, and that feels so good. Falling in love, and all the electrifying emotions that come with it, is irresistible. Now, can you imagine the intense mental strength you will need to defy that. 

Some women are born talented in such ways. They build up an effective defense system so they can feel safe to lure, to attract, and to love cautiously behind those walls. They have fun, but once they sense a potential break-through, they retreat without a trace of heartbreak. I wish sometimes I could be, but am certainly not one of them. But no, I don't give easily too. I don't simply leave crumbs of my heart here and there, letting myself be hurt by worthless people. For me, it's an either or.  I either don't give at all, or I fall with all my heart. 

Of course, I was once there too, on the ground picking up the pieces, cursing my own stupidity, encouraging myself to be strong. Then I became forgetful, I poured my heart out again when the wounds were still raw. I didn't know how to restrain it, or disperse my feelings bit by bit, don't they come in a package ? I only know how to give it all, and can only hope for an equal return.  And that's what I've been doing, exposing my honest emotions to the man I love - the passion in my laughter and the intensity in my tears, my insecurity, and my fears, I display to him all that I've got and everything I'm vulnerable to. I'm not fearless, but this freedom feels great, especially when you gradually learn that the both of you hold the same leverage. And at this point, it's worth it, and this is my kind of courage.

So I beg you to try this at least once, with the right person, as this is what makes love beautiful. Don't hold back, immerse both feet into the water, love with all you've got. The kind of woman who only gave herself away in small doses...  even she had loved so fiercely then that made her reserve herself now. But only until that one man comes, and sweeps her off her feet once again.  

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