Friday, January 23, 2015

You Know You Are in a Right Relationship When ...

I actually never believe in having only one Mr. Right in this world. I don't think there is only this ONE person out there that's waiting to complete my duet. I believe we are compatible with countless people in this world and if given the chance, we can work out with a great number of them. 

A right relationship is not merely about meeting the right person, meeting your "the one", and wait for everything to fall together naturally and easily. It has way more grey areas, complications, and contradictions than just finding your destined soulmate. It is more about finding someone who is willing to work together with you to create a relationship that is right for the both of you. It is more about two people putting in effort, compromise, and having compassion.

So how do we ever know if we are with the right person ? While nothing is black and white, there are fortunately a couple key points I've gathered from my own experience, that depict when I know I am in a right relationship.

Here it goes :

You know you are in a right relationship when,

1. You can really be yourself when you are around your significant other. And that's really because you know he will continue to adore any true self you reveal. In other words, you can really be yourself because you are confident of his love for you. You know your flaws and any darkness you may carry won't affect his affection for you a bit. 

2. You do what your partner needs to feel loved, even if those needs are not important to you or are not aligned with yours; and vice versa. Some people feel loved when they are being taken care of during sickness, or have a home-cooked meal being prepared for. Some people feel loved when they receive gifts and surprises, some need constant compliments, and some need physical forms of affection. Everyone is different when it comes to giving and receiving love. The important thing is, when your loved one tells you what makes him or her feel secured and loved, you are happy to comply, and he/she is happy to do the same.

3. There's a productive level of communication. I'm big believer in communicating and see this as one of the most important aspects to keep any relationship alive and healthy. The right relationship is one where you feel comfortable enough to talk about anything candidly - be it sensitive matters, a guilty confession, or an uncomfortable confrontation. Communication doesn't mean argument, but voice out concerns and problems in a sensible way to find a logical solution together, in order to move forward to a better future. You know you are in a right relationship when you have the confidence to confront an issue with your partner, believing that he or she will take it the right way, communicate honestly and openly, in order to find a mutual understanding and suitable fix with you.

4. You respect yourself and your partner equally. This means no one feels more superior or inferior in the relationship. This means you respect each other even during fights or ugly situations. And you appreciate each other's differences and flaws, but also value yourself enough to know when to stand by your belief and principles. You know you are in a right relationship when you admire each other equally, and the two of you mutually feel that you are lucky to be with the other person, and that you've convinced a person more exceptional than you to love you. 

5. You explore and talk about sex. You know you are in a right relationship when the two of you have been dating for awhile, and can start becoming more creative and adventurous between the sheets (or elsewhere). You openly share with your partner your needs and desires, and the two of you are happy to explore them together. Sex is a major part in a relationship. It's a powerful, sacred, and exclusive way to express your affection and intimacy for your loved one.  "Feeling sexual attraction and sexually attractive is a life force like nothing else," Iris Krasnow, author of Sex After...Women Share How Intimacy Changes As Life Changes said. "That person who ignites you from within, boosting your self-esteem and also offers external pleasures is definitely a keeper."

6. Your friends and family member like and approve of him/her. Your true friends and family are the ones who care about your happiness. And they are the ones who have an objective perspective on your relationship. If most people, or the person closest to you, objects the relationship, then there must be a valid factor you should look into. You know you are in a right relationship when your partner is in good terms with your friends and family, and treats them like his/her own. 

7. You have an open and honest relationship where you hide nothing from your partner. While no cheating is a given, being honest consists of much more. That means you do not have secrets relevant to the relationship or might affect the other person in anyway, now or in the far future, - such as, a chronic illness, your future goals and plans, an unspeakable habit, a desired lifestyle, whether you want marriage or children, or any other personal or family issues that will matter to your partner. Know that if you want a long term relationship, the truth will eventually surface. And when a hidden truth surfaces in any other form but your own confession, it might bring more harm that it should. If you are with someone that you feel the need to conceal any of these from, he or she probably isn't right for you. 

8. You know you are in a happy and secured relationship when you do not have a back up plan. A back up plan such as, I'm going to keep an ambiguous yet intimate "friendship" with these women/men, in case me and my partner break up. Your constant preparation and planning for the aftermath of your break up only means you are either not happy, not secured, or are not fully committed. 

9. ...when there are just the right amount of differences and similarities. When it comes to soulmate, it doesn't necessarily mean one person finding someone who's exactly the same. You know you are in the right relationship when the two of you are different enough to help each other grow, learn, and complement whatever the other person lacks, but are also on the same page when it comes to bigger things that matter, such as fundamental beliefs and values. It is important to have similar values when you are looking to spend the rest of your life with someone, to start a family, and to raise children. Don't just marry a good boyfriend/girlfriend, but a good father/mother that can raise your children with quality thoughts.  

10. ...when there's no drama or frequent fights. There's no way can a long term relationship has zero fights, but don't make it a habit. Don't make it your way of communication. If the two of you cannot convey conflicts without fighting and yelling, you are not right for each other. Don't create drama for attention, and don't create drama to find the proof of love. If you need to intentionally create situations to test your partner's love, you are not in the right relationship. 

11. ...when you genuinely care about your partner and put his / her needs before your own. When you truly care about someone, you don't just care about that person's feelings for you. You don't just treat your partner well so that you will get the same return, so that your own feelings won't get hurt. You don't calculate who has given what or who has given more. You know you are with the right person when he or she not only cares about the relationship, but also your personal development, your dreams, your career, your goals, your health, your pet, and everything that's important to you more than his or her own. 

12. ...when you are thinking in terms of "we" instead of "me" or "you". When two people start to think about marriage and spending the rest of their lives together, you are no longer just committed to doing what's best for the other person, but also to the partnership of two. When you are in the depth of a right relationship, you talk about shared dreams, shared values, and construct a blueprint together to carry the relationship to the next level. Couples who put their relationship above their own desires are more likely to flourish. 

13. ...when you are sure of your feelings for him/her, and confident of his/hers for you. Of course there will be times when you doubt whether the person you are with is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Everybody has those moments of doubt and insecurity when it comes to a permanent commitment. But when it comes to love, you should be able to confirm without second thought that you love your partner. And vice versa. You shouldn't be constantly guessing and feeling insecure about the love you are receiving, or whether there's love at all. You should never feel like a rebound, a replacement, or a dispensable companion. It is important to voice out these uncertainty with your partner, and both create a healthier environment to eliminate these toxic mistrust. If it is overthinking, talk to your loved one about it for reassurance. If it's not, know your worth, and move on. 

14. When your gut feeling tells you it's right. And although I said in the very beginning that, it's not that easy to know if you are with the right person, you do need to trust your gut feelings tremendously on this one. Through experiences, we have built a mental "GPS" filled with historical data to guide our way when we are feeling lost or uncertain. That's our gut feeling, and it's usually right. Don't fight it, don't avoid it, and marry the decision your heart has been telling you. But know the difference between gut feelings and emotional/ irrational decisions your heart wants you to make. Here is a simple example : you are dating an asshole. All your friends have been telling you that he's an asshole but you have been convincing them and yourself that he's not, and you want to stay with him. But at the same time , deep deep down within you , regardless how much you are in denial, you know he is. That's the gut feeling. He's an asshole. 


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