Sunday, November 30, 2014

Commitment Issues [Part 2 - He's Just Not That Into You ]

From the movie, He's Just Not That Into You

So for Part 1, I blablablabla-ed too much about myself hence I need this Part 2 to write what I originally wanted to post.

In Part 1, my point is, I don't believe in incurable commitment issues, but the lack of a right person. When you truly love and care for someone, all should follow naturally. In the end, it all comes down to priorities.

I love you, so I'm willing to sacrifices other things to make you my top priority.

So ladies (and gents, as the same rule applies for reversed roles), know when to walk away because a lot of the times, when he's having commitment issues, it's usually because he's simply just not that into you (sorry). Some very common excuses these type of man makes :
  • I don't believe in having a title, babe, as long as we are happy together, titles are just a name 
  • I really like you, but I also really need to focus on work (or school) at this point 
  • I'm not in a good position to have a relationship right now, I need to work on myself first 
And some very common scenarios : 
  •  He avoids talks at all cost. Serious relationship talks stress and frustrate him to no end.
  • So when problems start to emerge, he often chooses to leave (using one of the excuses listed above). He doesn't want to put effort into building the relationship for a better future, because to him, he is not serious about having a future at all. 
  • And if you refuse to take his break-up excuses, he'll turn around and make the problem to be you - you are childish to make small matters a big deal, you are too needy and taking up too much of his time, you demand too much, you are not compatible with him, you take away his freedom, you take away his identity, etc. Ass. 
  • He has problem committing to future plans and usually only makes very spontaneous and last minute decisions, such as calling you in the afternoon and asking to meet at night. But if you ask if he wants a date this coming weekend, he'll be like, "Umm, I'm not sure, I'll let you know". Then calls you last minute when his top 1, 2, 3, 4 proprieties don't work out.  
  • You've never met his friends, or just a few.
  • He never wants to meet your family, or have you meet his.  
  • You find yourself having the need to ask this question : "so.... what are we now ?" 
  • You two have never attended any public events together, such as weddings, or Christmas Parties for work.
  • You find no trace of your relationship on his social media platforms.
  • You two spend most of the "dates" at home, so he doesn't have to display a couple figure to the public. And because being with you only at private spaces makes him feel safer, as he can control the environment. Not taking the relationship outside also allows him to feel like you are merely a separate attachment to his life, like a home decor, instead of having you IN his life. 
  • Well, one good thing, the sex is usually amazing, because that's the deepest commitment he's willing to offer #punintented *winks 

I realize something interesting while writing this. I'm not sure if this applies to everyone, but I think the concept of forever appears twice in one's life - once in your dreamy teenage years, when you thought you met the love of your life at first try, you two rushed into wedding planning and baby naming conversations at the 3 months mark. You said "I love you"s much easier and earlier, not that you didn't mean it, but you didn't know it. And, forever, it was such a romantic term, a fairy tale. You decorated your I love you's with it, like pretty rose pedals. 

Then heartbreaks, and all that ugly truth. "I love you" began to bloom late, or not come at all, let alone "forever".

But forever cautiously reappears when you are in a long-term serious relationship considering a future together. It doesn't come easy for sure. And trust me, no one is, or will ever be, absolutely ready and confident to make that leap of faith. No one. The thought of eternal togetherness is not all romance, but also implies a definite finality that can bring anxiety, doubt, and fear. It makes you look at time in a whole new perspective - time will no longer be your personal procession, but shared with another. The two of you will use all the time you own, to grow grey together, and be intimate with only each other. You will still have freedom, but another type of freedom - the type that even though you are free to do what you want, you will forever be bond to another person, and everything you do and every decision you make will have to be with your partner in mind and his or her needs before yours. That is, holy shit, a very very very big commitment if you really think about it. But after all, that is what love and commitment is all about. And everything else, all the responsibilities and obligations, just comes naturally.

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