Our First " I Love You "

I've been emo lately so I tried to do things that will brighten up my mood. Two things that make me happy - writing and Frank. So, I guess, I'm gonna write about Frank - about how we said our first "I love you"s. The entire process took about a year, but it was so cute ! 

In the beginning, I never thought of saying I love you at all. I knew I liked him a lot, but I also knew it wasn't love yet. We were happy together, we made each other laugh, and that's all I cared. Then it was about another 6 months into the relationship, nobody has said the three words yet, but I was dying to !!! There were so many moments where those three words were already on the top of my tongue but I had to swallow them because, of course, I couldn't be the first one.

I was re-watching Sex and the City during that time, and without choice, he had to watch with me over dinners. I remember saying something like "Awwww, they really love each other (Carrie and Big)." And Frank was like, "that's not true love, Carrie goes around sleeping with so many men!" He then went on to his definition of true love - "It's when you are willing to sacrifice your life for the other person", he said. THAT IS SO GRAND AND SERIOUS AND HEAVY. Well, I know love is a serious and sacred thing, but then for me, love is mostly a feeling, a strong, intense emotion. You just feel it, you know ? Without the need to literally give up your life. Plus, what are the chances for you to get that opportunity to prove your love by sacrificing your life for real anyway ? I hope nobody gets in that situation.

So that was the first time we talked about love, but ever since then, I gave up waiting for him to say those words to me. Love seems to mean so much more solemn to him. Not to mention he's especially shy with me ( see how we first held hands and kissed ). I was quite sure that he will take forever to say "I love you" to me, or maybe he will say it for the first time during our wedding. I got so touched all by myself just imagining that wedding speech with his first "I love you". *dramatic. That was when I decided I was gonna say it first ! I even prepared this whole speech, something like, "I don't care what your definition of love is, in my own definition, I love you. You don't have to reciprocate, but I love you and I want to say it out loud!!!" *dramaqueen

I had that speech in my head for the longest time, but it was so difficult to actually convey it to him. I am very shy too, okay ? Then, one day, he was having a headache, and I said I'll make him some noodles when he came to my house after work. It was indeed a very cozy and sweet picture - It was warm and the light was romantically dim. The house was immersed with the aroma of home-cooked meal. I was standing in front of the stove, with a pot of noodle cooking in front of me. He was standing to my left, observing.

THEN. I heard a very faint murmur which sounded something like, "love you baby". That was so unexpected. I was shocked beyond words. For a moment that felt like eternity, I was frozen like a deer in front of a driving headlight. My hands were stirring the noodles but my mind was racing : did he just say he loves me ?! or I misheard it ? or he said thank you baby (which he always do) ? Should I respond ? What if he didn't say "love" ? WHAT TO DO ?! My mind was noisy with thoughts but the reality was wrapped with awkward silence. And the moment just passed, neither of us said anything more.

Noodle's ready !

After that day, I kept wondering what exactly did he say. As time passed, the actual memory got vague. I even made my friends murmur "thank you baby" and "love you baby" repetitively for me to differentiate (thank you friends *bow). I became pretty sure that he probably just said "thank you baby". And I was convinced that I was simply being delusional because I was thinking a lot about saying "I love you" those days. I ended up being very certain that I was just delusional (borderline crazy) and went back to rehearsing my speech for him again, hahahaha.

Within a few weeks from that noodle incident, he said "love" a couple times to me in different inappropriate forms, sigh, silly him. All situations was either too casual for me to tell whether he was joking or the circumstance was hard for me to respond properly. So I just let each time pass. There's a Chinese saying that describes me - 得了便宜就賣乖 - meaning something like once I get the benefits, I start to abuse them. hahahaha. So I completely threw away my idea to confess first, and started to wait for him to say his first proper I Love You. And it happened in Dominican Republic during our first anniversary. I was "interviewing" him about his thoughts on our first year together. He said, "I love you baby", loud and clear. FINALLY. *stands up and claps for that awkward turtle. And of course, I said, love you too.

PHREW.

We are still not those couples who say I love you to each other everyday. But when he does, in his own intimate and honest ways, I fall in love all over again, every time.