Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Five Things Couples Should Never Feel Comfortable Doing

Carmel, California

It is a bliss to find that one person you can be absolutely comfortable with. I have found that guy - being with him is so comfortable that he feels like home to me. In a healthy relationship, the two people should feel comfortable to communicate about anything, any issue. You should also feel free to laugh till your tummy hurts, sing on the top of your lung, eat like a pig, be extra silly, talk about rubbish, or cry a bucket when you are with him/her. Yes, it's a bliss, and it's hard to find someone that can offer such comfort. Nevertheless,

you should never feel 100% comfortable to : 

1)snap or lose patience on a regular basis. We all understand the circumstances when life (or PMS) happens - we become too grumpy to control our tempers and accidentally lash out at the person closest to us. This can be as insignificant as a harsher tone of voice during a casual conversation. But be very careful, as such way of communication accumulates, and will eventually turn into a habit. It will become the way of interaction between you and your partner. Again, this might seem trivial initially, but if one allows the attitude to grow, it will lead to bigger issues such as a lack of respect, taking one's presence for granted, and more/bigger fights. It is important to pay attention to our day-to-day attitudes, whether it is towards a loved one, a friend, or a family member.

2) forget courtesy. When two people have been together for a decent amount of time, it becomes natural to let loose our social manners. While it is awkward to be overly polite after years of dating, it is essential to retain the basic refined behaviors. Terms like "thank you", "sorry", and "please" should never exit our dictionary and curse words should never enter regardless how close the couple is. I mean I even say sorry to my dog when I accidentally trip over her. My dad, for example, despite their almost 30 years of marriage, still opens doors for me and mom, offers to carry heavy shopping bags, and helps us put on winter coats. I also keep a conscious effort to not keep looking at my phone over any meal, although I know this can be difficult for many in our generation. And even to this date, my boyfriend still takes the initiative to walk me to the passenger seat to open car doors for me, thank me after every homemade meal, and he even says sorry when I accidentally hurt myself  hahahahaha. It usually goes like this :

Me : Ouchhhhhh, I just bumped my blabla on the table corner, so painfullllll T________T
Frank: sorry sorry
Me : Why do you say sorry ?
Frank: I don't know

Well, but he could also be doing this so that he didn't have to put in extra effort to shosho me ( soothe my pain).

Anyway, the last one shouldn't be your common courtesy practice, but continuing the etiquette we usually show at the initial stages keeps the relationship classy, charming, and delightful.

3) fart like it doesn't matter. Personally, I think this is not too important for men, and sometimes I even think it's cute (what can I say, I'm blindly in love). But I think it is especially important for girlfriends to not fart in front of their boyfriends. Seriously. I'm not even trying to make you laugh here. As a woman, I strongly believe in keeping an image. This doesn't mean you are being pretentious or you can't be natural, comfortable, or fun. You can still be all of above while keeping things classy. Of course, when couples spend tremendous amount of time together, someone is bond to let out some accidental gas. And that is fine, do not stress yourself over it too.

Nonetheless, do not just fart like it doesn't matter ! And you might be surprised how many women actually do it in front of their significant other !! *still in horror. I have a friend, whose identity shall never ever ever be revealed, actually played farting games with her boyfriend. She would sit on him, and fart; go in-front of his face, and fart, fart in the blanket, fart on his clothes, and so on. I'm a fan of games, but only over my dead body will I ever approve this one in my relationship. I told the same thing to her, but in her defense, it showed how close they were. And she took pride from it.

As you read this, you might giggle to yourself and think, "hahaha it's cute". Trust me, it is not. I think this is about respect. I'd feel so degrading to be intentionally farted on the face. It is not attractive, not pleasant, and definitely not sexy. And it is important to make that effort to stay attractive in front of your boyfriend/husband. And no, you are not doing it for men, you are doing it for yourself. Staying attractive also doesn't mean heavy make-up and short skirts all the time. Yes, grooming is one thing, but it more so means being elegant, kind, clean, self-loving, intelligent, happy, positive, AND NO UNCONCEALED FARTING.

4) Criticize. I was rather guilty of this in my last relationship. It was a 9 year commitment, so yes, I definitely felt very comfortable to just do and say whatever I wanted. I didn't notice I shouldn't have done that till the last few years, I tried to change, but this issue, along with others, were all too rooted. For my own defense, I must say it wasn't an easy relationship to start off - we were countries apart for most of those 9 years. We were both kids. It felt like we grew up together, but in different directions and speed during the early years. So during those primal years, I urged him to make changes, I nagged about his slow progress, I criticized, and became biased. Bias is an evil thing. It trained my mind to pick out every little detail to convince myself that he hasn't improved. Then I criticized with frustration. I got so used to criticizing his choices and actions that my censure expanded to petty things in our daily life. Of course there were other reasons that contributed to the break up, but in retrospect, I saw things from a clearer perceptive and learned the mistakes on my end. It is crucial to confront when an issue is bothering you, but there's a fine line between confrontation for a solution and criticism for a blame. Find that line.

5) Stop making romantic efforts. After the "honeymoon" period when all the infatuations are gone, loving couples stay loving, and eventually they find a deeper connection with and stronger feeling for each other. They make more practical efforts and show genuine care. This is great. However, regardless of how stable or comfortable the relationship has become, romance should never be neglected. It is important for both men and women to stay romantic, or at least try when you are not born to be Romeo or Juliet. Step out from the routine : go on dates, take her out to a nice restaurant, surprise each other, write little notes, find new hobbies together, cook together,  take a stroll on the beach, take baths together, the list goes on ! Remember important dates and celebrate your love ! It doesn't have to be big gestures or expensive gifts, but these are charming way to stay not just as a couple, a family, but lovers.

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